I've been missing from my blog for the last couple of weeks. That being said...I've been missing from a lot of things these days. I'm not exactly depressed, but I find myself feeling tired. Feeling useless. Feeling hopeless. Feeling lost in the monotony of housework and homework. Wondering what good am I for besides cleaning up messes and making sure my children are doing what they need to be doing. Wishing that my life was not one of single-married-hood. Wanting things that I simply cannot have.
It came to a head yesterday when I found myself snapping at my children and melting into tears of frustration. Frustration with my life. With the size of my bum and belly. With stupid, expensive mistakes. With goals that aren't coming to fruition. With mountains of laundry. With the thought of my husband leaving me alone again for weeks on end. With the never ending demands of motherhood.
I grappled to understand why it was so hard for me to be content right now. Typically, I find a great deal of joy in taking care of my home and family. What had changed? Why was I feeling so gloomy about everything?
Right before bed, it dawned on me. Mothers' Day is right around the corner.
Ahh Mothers' Day. The day I feel like the most worthless piece of humanity.
That would be greatly thanks to the traditional few weeks of failed parenting leading up to this day of maternal tribute. Yep, it's an annual thing. The days before that second Sunday in May, I find myself wading through heightened chaos with a decreased amount of patience.
The spilled milk. The bedtime balking. The fights over toys. The complaints about what's for dinner. The incessant demands to be fed. The sleepless nights. The seat belt struggle.
Molehills become mountains. Happy Mommy mutates into Grouchy Mommy. There is not much "love at home".
And by Mothers' Day I can hardly bear the cards and gifts and church service with all the sappy mother stories. Why? Because I sit there feeling like one big hypocrite.
Mothers are supposed to be sweet and kind and gentle and patient and whisper loving, confidence-building things into their children's eagerly listening ears. Regardless of how wonderful a mother I was the other eleven months of the year, it's those few prior weeks of particular bad behavior that stands so starkly in my mind on Sunday. And the spirit of Mothers' Day is destroyed.
Hmm...Now who do you think would love to sabotage such a beautiful occasion that celebrates one of the most important parts of a happy family??? Hmm.
Here's to ignoring The Adversary, to looking past faults, to letting go, to always trying to find happiness in the smallest things, to indulging in a cupcake in your closet, to turning a blind eye to the sticky finger prints on the walls, to being patient and kind and gentle, to enjoying Mothers' Day guilt-free every year!
Wish me luck.
2 comments:
Oh Evelyn, it amazes me how synched in you are to my life! I'm feeling the same way. I look back at pictures of Mother's Day and remember how depressed I was feeling when the pictures were taken. How I felt like I was the worst Mother ever and didn't deserve the praise, cards, gifts, or whatever I was being pictured with.
Since my husband works in the jewelry industry, Mother's Day, (along with Valentine's and Christmas) is one of his busiest holidays. He's gone most of the time (and more often than not has to work on Mother's Day, just like he'll be doing this year.) When I'm "flying solo" in the parenting department I run short of patience and energy and life at our house can get pretty sad.
I'm right here with you hoping to make the best of Mother's Day this year.
Being a mom is hard work. It seems to be so effortless for other people, but man oh man is it hard. I am amazed with how well you handle being alone all the time. You are insanely amazing, but those feelings are so typical to crowd out the good feelings, aren't they? I hope you are able to get past the guilt, and the hard days. Mother's Day for me is not a great time of the year, either, so I totally get it.
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