How to How-To

I had every good intention of putting together a smashing How-To for my dear readers today, but every piece of bad luck and whiny kids and empty printer cartridges forbade me from doing so.

Ahhh well. Better luck tomorrow.

In the meantime, I have been brain storming what else I could How-To today.

How about How to Be the Mother of the Year? Nah. I believe my ever-loving and eternally-patient vocal chords hit too many decibels today to qualify for that one. Plus, I totally missed that Jeigh had a big preschool family picture collage due today. Every other kid in her class had a poster of their family to proudly display to the class...except Jeigh. How early is too early to start therapy?

How to Train Your Dragon? Think someone beat me to it. Besides, I believe the dragons are hibernating by now or something.

How to Make a Pregnant Woman Cry? Well, that's just plain easy. I'm sure the list would include things like: Look at her funny, turn on Christmas music, tell her the already expensive minivan repairs are going to cost an additional $600, point out AGAIN how she didn't know about the preschool family picture poster project, talk about anything that involves birth, daddies, third-world countries, or tomatoes.

How to Be a Winner? Isn't it obvious? Just go visit Sami at Symmetry in Motion on Quince Quote Day. Woo hoo! (Thanks again, Sami!)

How to Sustain a Halloween Candy Sugar High? No one needs to know about that. I can't even talk about it. My headache is already too intense. Dr. Pepper anyone?

How to Potty Train Your Precious Princess with Perspiration-Free Perfection? Don't ask me. I'm too busy washing dozens of pairs of little teeny tiny underwears and patches of carpet.

How to be Embarrassed in Public? Have your five-year old son find an anatomy and physiology book while you are waiting in the lobby of your daughter's dance studio and turn bright flaming red as he proceeds to find, point, and giggle loudly at every single "peniculi" in that dang book.

How to Be Further Embarrassed in Public? Lose your two oldest children in Walmart, only to find them by the sounds of loud singing, laughing, and arguing echoing from the public restrooms.

How to Sneak Some Christmas Shopping in While Accompanied by Your Four-Year Old? Don't even try. They are far too observant and nosy by this age. My, what a difference a year makes.

How to Lose Ten Years and Fifty Pounds in a Second? It's going to sound a little shady for a woman of my age and in my condition (you know...happily married, plumply pregnant, and constantly followed by three offspring) but go to our local Taco Bell and allow the drive-through dudes to sweet-talk you silly. I blush every single time. And no it's not from the hot sauce. Maybe that could explain my cravings for nachos...

I don't think anyone needs tutorials on any of that stuff. Like I said earlier...Better luck tomorrow.


Patty Ann said...

Had to laugh! They never outgrow embarrassing you in public. The consolation prize is that they will grow old enough for you to embarrass them!! Oh, revenge is so sweet!!

Cannwin said...

I remember when I was little and my mom would go on and on about how horrible it was for married people to find anyone but their spouse attractive. Growing up that way I was a staunch supporter of this idea.

And then I got married and I wonder what world my mom lived in. Just because you're married doesn't mean you've gone blind... it means you're not interested.

Plus every woman deserves to be winked at, it makes us feel young, and some days you feel so invisible with your entourage that it's nice to have someone notice that you exist.

I once had the pharmacist at Wal-Mart wink at me. I didn't even know how to react but it made me kind of giddy. Even if he was old enough to be my father's oldest brother (if my father had an older brother).

Myya said...

Sounds like you need the weekend! Wait, Mommies don't really get weekends Uggghhh! :)

MiMi said...

This is a hilarious list! Sadly, I've never been flirted with at the Taco Bell. :(
LOVE YOUR WINNINGS!!! Her giveaways are AWESOME!!

Sami said...

Why am I suddenly craving a chalupa? Why am I also tempted to go book a flight to Nevada to get one?
Quite the mystery, really.
Thanks for the shout out! I've linked to them in my sidebar...

Jeigh said...

You know the book order things kids bring home where you can get awesome books for super cheap? Jenna brought one of those home last week, and I made a big deal out of looking through it with her, circling the ones she wanted...and then I forgot to return it in time. Oh, I can't wait until everyone else's books come in!

also, I need to come visit you. And maybe we could grab some lunch...Taco Bell? I'm not above flattery.

shortmama said...

I wish any of our local fast food workers were cute..or flirty

Lisa said...

LOL!!! You are the best! I definitely think you could come up with awesome posts for every single one of those!

aubrey said...

There's a cute little old man who works as a checker at our local WalMart and I aim for his line every time I notice he's working...just because I know he'll tell me I'm pretty and that he'll miss me when I'm gone. :) Totally makes my day every time.

Cannwin said...

Can I just say how sad it is that we have to get our 'you're beautiful' fix from old men at stores we patronize (is that the right word?).


Thus is the life of a married woman. ;)


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