4.13.2011

No More Porn for Me

In a fit of familial improvement, I canceled our Dish satellite service a couple of weeks ago even though we still had a several months left on our contract. It was a little painful the first day or two, but life went on and I haven't felt a morsel of regret yet for cutting off the media mayhem. But I would be fibbing if I told you I still didn't miss watching TV sometimes.

It's Food Network that I miss the most. Even if I have no intention of going near my kitchen much less trying to recreate the recipes I see, I love me some Food Network.

It's porn for dieters. Delicious, entertaining, mouth-watering porn.

I knew I had a problem. I just couldn't get enough of the Food Network. But when it comes to Food Network sometimes its the cooks, chefs, and TV personalities that leave a bad taste in my mouth. Not the food.

Giada.


Too perfect. Too...perky. I ask you, how can she be that skinny? She makes pasta with sauces and cheeses for crying out loud. And for heaven's sake, can the smile lady! My eyes hurt from its blazing rays.

Bobby Flay.


Brilliant. But cranky. He needs to take a hint from Giada. Smile once in awhile, buddy.

Paula Deen.


If I have to hear "ya'all" one more time I'm going to dip myself in the vat of boiling grease she uses so often. Though, the woman does know how to put a stick of butter to use.

Sandra Lee.


I hear AA is nice. She can't seem to do a single show without an accompanying beverage. Who knew alcohol could be served with breakfast?

Pat and Gina Neely.


A husband and wife duo who somehow manage to make "porn for dieters" feel almost like real porn. Get a room, you two.

Anne Burrell.


I like her recipes, but I can hardly pay attention to her cooking as I am so darn distracted by her incessant and obnoxious hand gestures. It's even more riveting when she's wielding a knife or two in those hands.

Guy Fieri and Anne Burrell.


They probably share DNA. And hair products.

Ina Garten of Barefoot Contessa.


Now here's a lady I can relate to. The woman is "fluffy". This makes me think she actually eats the things she makes. What's that saying about never trust a skinny cook? Exactly.

I've done myself a double favor in cutting off my porn Food Network TV.

I used to watch Iron Chef right before going to bed.


Then I would lay in bed unable to sleep from all the anxiety I had collected from the show. Once I did fall asleep I had restless nightmares of being trapped in a kitchen prison with a huge red-digit clock ticking away, counting down to my certain doom:

A death match with Anne Burrell and her knifed hand gestures.

Or being impaled on Guy Fieri's bleached hair spikes. Or burned at the stake by Giada's gruesome grin.

Or rendered unconcious and lifeless from the stench of Mario Batali's crocs.



All hideous ways to go.

I was kind of hoping if I were going to suffer a food-related death, it would be because I had drowned in a pool of chocolate.

11 comments:

{leah} said...

Ooooo I miss the food network!!! we don't have cable either and I crave it. sad huh.

I loved that the boys liked it and I could put that on while I was in the shower...

But I know what you mean about each one of those chefs. I actually like watching The Lush.... I mean Sandra Lee. I loved her ideas.

Well.... just know that you are not alone....

Kimi said...

Drown in a pool of chocolate? What a way to go!

Seriously I am a crap cook so cooking shows don't really do it for me. I wish they did...so does my husband. But I've just never been terribly interested in cooking. Lame I know.

Lind Family said...

I seriously L.O.V.E. that network! My dad and I refer to Giada as Boobs & Teeth. You get plenty of both when you watch her.
Ina bothers me because of her holier than thou personality but that is just me.
I like Ann but I do agree about the hands.
Guy drives me bonkers.
I can't believe you forgot to mention Rachel Ray!
Oh, can't stand Sandra. Too frew frew for me. :-)

Sami said...

I used to watch FN all the time! Sandra Lee really bugged me. I hated how her kitchen decor changed for every theme she was cooking. Not just the "table scape", but the whole kitchen! I'm like, yeah, because you NEED new drapes to be able to make Halloween cupcakes and punch...
whatever.

Jodi said...

You're too funny - I had no idea of all that I was missing!

We never set up our cable or even a TV antennae when we moved here 5 years ago and it was so quiet at first but I can't believe how much more I get done! We watch shows like The Office online now and the kids watch movies so we aren't lacking for entertainment!

Bethany @ Organic Enchilada said...

I had no clue. That Anne Burrell has Utah hair! Love it!...in a funny way!

Crocs are gross.

MiMi said...

Oh, we haven't gotten the Food network in FOREVER. All of those people you listed up there are SO why I got to where I couldn't handle it anymore. Well, them and Rachel Ray.

Impulsive Addict said...

I shoulda never read about FOOD before lunch. I'm STARVING and they all cook some amazing shiz.

Now...what's for lunch?

shortmama said...

I love Food Network! I used to watch more of it but I dont watch it as often any more. I like Guy and Paula...they are my faves!

Creating Sarah said...

I love Food Network! I haven't been able to watch it in a long, long time since I work during my TV time now. But, I absolutely am in love with Alton Brown. I want to be his neighbor!

I agree about all the other ones you mentioned though. Giada kind of scares me. I don't think she is real. And Ina...her voice freaks me out a little. I don't know why. Anyway, good for you for giving it up...I don't know if I could!

Myya said...

Porn... bawwwhaaahaa! I love tv, it is really sad actually. Although, I have curbed some of my tv time wiht blog time instead. Lesser of two evils??? yeah, probably not huh.

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