4.27.2011

The Proper Protocol for Purchasing Pregnancy Tests


As of late, my little newborn Cee has developed a picky palate when it comes to nursing.

(Really? Breastfeeding again?!)

(Yep. Really. That's twice in one week. I really need to get out more.)

She's started to squirm and wriggle and even pull away crying when I have tried to nurse her lately.

Uh oh.

When my mom was nursing me when I was two months old, I started to do the same thing.

Wanna know why?

Because my mom was pregnant with my little sister. (We are eleven months apart. Good grief. Could you even imagine???)

Since history tends to repeat itself...I rationally and calmly began to totally freak out. One thing you need to know about me...I like to jump to the worst conclusion possible first. That way I know I will be prepared for anything.

Well, I guess I'm not prepared for ANYTHING. I don't exactly stock up on home pregnancy tests.

Needing to put my tortured mind at ease, I started to plan my trip to the store to purchase a home pregnancy test.

And yes. I did use the word “plan”.

A woman in my position does not take buying a pregnancy test lightly. There is some policy and procedure to be followed in purchasing pregnancy tests.

Allow me to enlighten you on this protocol.

A woman in my situation, that situation being a mother of four children, ranging from ages six years old to newborn, cannot simply dash to the store wearing her pajamas, with four snotty nosed kids in tow, grab a handful of cheap pregnancy tests, and dash back home again. There are details to be attended to in order to avoid The Checkout of Shame.

Firstly, whatever you do, DON’T take the four kids to the store with you. Especially the newborn. No need to send everyone in a panic that you and your husband are single-handedly repopulating the planet. That or deal with the whispering gossip about you-know-who can’t keep their pants on. The resulting embarrassment could just be too much to handle.

If you simply can’t avoid taking your entourage to the store, at least try to convince people you’re the nanny, fun aunt, or helpful friend. It probably won’t work, but it’s worth a shot.

If you do take the kids, make sure they are dressed to the nines, hair combed and styled, and have clean hands and faces. Be absolutely certain they will not misbehave in the store, therefore drawing unwanted attention to you as you peruse the family planning aisle of the store.

Carry tissues with you to catch any stray boogers. If you have to bring the kids and people are clever enough to see the family resemblance, at least people will assume you are Supermom, that you have it all put together, and that a fifth baby will only be a piece of cake instead of just another piece of welfare woe.

It’s not just the children who need to look squeaky clean.

Put some pants on, Mama. And not your stretchy ones or that pair of jeans stained with newborn baby poop and spit up. And don't even think about sneaking on the maternity pants. You raise your arms and that panel is a dead give away.

Take a shower. Dress up. Do your hair. And for heaven’s sake slap some makeup on. We are going for classy here. Not out-of-control, rabbit-breeding freak.

Once you are at the store, looking more like a civilized human being than you normally do, and have decided on which pregnancy test you are going to purchase, take the pregnancy test and stash it in the bottom of your grocery cart. This will prevent judgmental looks from other shoppers. At least until you get to the checkout stand.

Even if you don’t need a single other thing than the pregnancy test, grab a few other items to purchase along with your pregnancy test. This will create the outward appearance of nonchalance about pregnancy.

“Maybe I am. Maybe I’m not. What’s it to you?”

If you drop a single pregnancy test on the checkout counter and nothing else, you know what people are going to assume. By purchasing other items along with your at home pregnancy test, you might be able to avoid the critical stares from the cashier and nearby shoppers.

Word to the wise: Maybe avoid items like duct tape, toilet snakes, two or more boxes of diapers, and condoms.

Finally, make sure that all your movements are slow and deliberate. Don’t rush. Don’t look flustered or sweaty or out of control. Don’t let them see the fear in your eyes.

Good. Now that you have purchased your pregnancy test and are safely back at home, take pregnancy test. Never mind the toddler banging on the door and the newborn wailing from her car seat. We've got priorities. We need to KNOW if you've got plans to claim TWO new dependents for the year 2011.

What does it say???

A
.
.
.
.
.
.
big
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
fat
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
NEGATIVE!

Whew.

So does this mean I'm not allowed to wear my maternity pants anymore???

24 comments:

aubrey said...

Hahaha! Whew indeed. You're totally right about the whole procedure too. Do you carefully select which checker you go to as well?

K Lind said...

I love you, lady! Glad it was negative for you. As a checker, I do try to act nonchalant when ladies purchase pregnancy tests. However, I know there are some who might make a scene. Glad you came away unscathed.

Jodi said...

I will forever be grateful for the invention of the self checkout lane!

Cute post! Glad things turned out as you were hoping.

Danica said...

Love your post today! Not that I don't love the others, but this one was especially good! Glad it was negative too. I bought mine at the dollar store, that way the looks I got were "expected". lol. :)

David and Kendra said...

You are to funny! I have been there and done that except mine was positive! I wouldn't change that for the world! we sure love our little Mattie. I am like Danica I just get mine a the Dollar store cheep and usually a few less people around and the packaging does not scream pregnancy test! Glad you can relax and just enjoy the little one you have!

Sami said...

You completely freaked me out, Lady! I was about to be like...WHY DIDN'T YOU TEXT ME?!?!?!
I'm hoping this was before you asked me what rhymed with "Cee"...

Bethany @ Organic Enchilada said...

You freaking crack me up! I was laughing the whole time because I swear we have all been there!! I also try to find a female checkout person, but never the self-checkout. Something would surely go wrong and you'd have four employees trying to help you.

MiMi said...

Bahahahahaha!!! I have to take the "Put Some Pants On Mama" thing to heart every day. Or I would wander around in undies all day.

sarajo said...

LOL! I have sooo been there and done that. And did everything wrong. LOL! It's usually a pregnancy test and condoms and diapers. LOL!

As for the nursing, it's probably breast rejection. I've gone through that a couple of times. It'll pass, but it's not fun. Try changing up feeding positions and offer the favorite side first, then switch. Good luck!

Carrie said...

SO SO FUNNY. When I was trying to get pregnant with Kai, I single handedly kept the pregnancy test corporations in business. Even when I got my period I took tests--so average 2-3 a month for a year.

Each time that I bought one made me super unfomfortable. But maybe that was because my 2 for 1 test was accompanied by either a box of tissues or chocolate on the conveyer belt?

Jennifer Lyn said...

Okay, I am laughing so hard, I am crying! You are so funny! I have so been there.

Jennifer said...

The very first time I bought a pregnancy test, it did not get deactivated. The alarm went off as we were walking out the door. The lady told us it wasn't our fault, until she looked in the bag. She then smiled and said she quessed it was our fault. I was mortified.

Katy said...

Holy bleepity-bleep. This post gives me massive amounts of anxiety. At this point in my life, I am looking to reclaim my virginity. NEVER AGAIN, I tell you.

shortmama said...

Good tips...not that I will ever need them since Ive only got 2 kids and the hubs is neutered.

Cannwin said...

Oh, best post yet! I'm so going to try to wrangle this into my talk on Motherhood.... maybe. Is it appropriate to say 'pregnancy test' from the pulpit?

I'm sending this to my sister.

Creating Sarah said...

You made me laugh so hard! Mostly because, I may have gone through nearly the exact same experience 2 or 3 times (really) with L! My problem here is that the only stores that are close is a Dollar Tree or a small town grocery store and they put the pregnancy tests at the checkout stand so you have to ask for them. Whose brilliant idea was that? The lady wished me luck with a little wink every time.

tempe turley said...

This is the funniest thing I have read in a long time. I could completely have written it myself this week (although not nearly as wittely.) Negative here, too, phew!

Katy said...

Making a second appearance a day later......

When on earth do you have time to have sex?

Plus, isn't your husband gone quite a bit?

You are amazing. That's all I have to say about that.

Candice said...

ROFL!!! You are a riot mama!

Lisa said...

LOL... NAK. :)

{leah} said...

I wish you had posted this a year go.... I got a funny look as I hauled my crew down to get a pregnancy test.... But then again... I looked just like every one else in walmart at that time.

Myya said...

Ohhh my gosh the whole trying to get to the store & buy something looking like you are totally worn out. I can only imagine you were completely totally freaking the heck out! So are you not done with kiddos yet? For some reason I thoguht you said little miss Cee was your last.

Missy0327 said...

This made me giggle!! Love it!!

jessy desouz said...

Thanks for your post! Helps calm many of our nerves I’m sure remembering these stats!

http://www.awomanshaven.com/free-pregnancy-test

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