4.29.2011

schizo


Remember when you were little and your mom was yelling at you for taking shortcuts on your chores or lying about watching TV before your homework was done or putting a worm in your little brother's mouth?

Remember how the phone would ring while she was all red-faced and yelling?

Remember how she could stop mid-lecture and answer with a cheery little "Hello!"?

I remember.

And I remember resenting my mom for that. I remember thinking how phony she was answering the phone and being all friendly and chatty and polite when she was being "like so totally unfair" just a minute ago. (Because that's exactly how I talked when I was younger... *shakes head*)

I also remember how I vowed to NEVER do that.

Ha!

I totally do it now.

Isn't it funny how we change ourselves according to the situation we are in?

I would hope that I am honest. That I am consistent. That I am the same person no matter who I am talking on the phone with or hanging out with or chatting online with.

"To thine own self be true."

But I'm not.

I know I change for people.

I know I speak quieter and more formally with the older ladies at church than I do with a group of my friends. All loud and obnoxious, maybe even a bit off-colored.

I know my writing takes on a different tone when I'm venting to my mommy group on Facebook than when I'm writing to my family.

We may have graduated from high school, but we all do this, right?

We change ourselves, maybe mute or amplify parts of our personalities, according to who we are with at the time.

I observe bloggers doing this all the time in their post comments. You see a blogger that leaves the sweetest, nicest comment on one blog, but leaves the wankiest comments on another blog.

(Is wanky even a word? Maybe I better make sure I understand what that means before I use it. It just sounds "right" right there. Attention: Make up your own definition for "wanky".)

I'll be frank...When I see other bloggers do this, it irritates me.

Wanna know what irritates me more?

It really irritates me that I am tempted to rough up or prettify my comments according to whose blog I am commenting on and probably have actually done so on more than one occasion.

(Tell me I'm not the only one who does this.)

Someday, my goal is to be the same person no matter where I am. I suppose that goal will be achievable when I a) accomplish one of my Thirty goals in not caring what anyone but God and myself thinks about me and b) become happy and content with who I am.

*wince* Tough order.

One of the things I love/hate about blogging is that you never know who is reading. Whatever I post on here might be read by my best friend, my new friend, my neighbor, the youth I used to teach in church, my uncle, an ex-friend, my mom, an old boy friend, a stranger in Australia, who knows.

I'm always shocked when I visit my hometown and am approached by someone I haven't seen or talked to in years and they say something like "I love your blog! I read it all the time."

Honestly, my first reaction to this is not to be flattered, but to be afraid.

You do??? Did I write something stupid or offensive or too revealing or pathetic or mean or sappy or too religious or not enough religious or too sarcastic or...or...or...???

Of course once I work my way past those few frantic moments, then I blush a bit with pure happiness that someone is actually reading my little ol' blog.

I hope they read because here is where I am ME.

I hope that I consistently write in Evelyn-ese. That what I say on here is what I would say to you in person (if I could only speak as well as I write) whether we were at church or at a party or at the grocery store bumping into each other.

So...Do you think you are a blog schizo or a Stable Mable???

Lend me your thoughts. Me, Myself, and I would love to read them!

11 comments:

J FAM Blog for the Soul said...

Good question girl, I think I'm a little of both. I sensor mostly..I wouldn't say I'm not myself. If I don't like a person I will stay away from them or if I don't have anything to say I won't. That's me. Depending on how comfortable I am is how Open I will be with you.....I get a little embarrassed when someone I know reads my posts....like this girl at church and then I wonder if she tells everyone else about my blog and they read it too...LOL like my shirt being inside out, when she caught me ...she was like didn't you do that before......I was caught...more than one time.....but then she knows the real me and I don't mind. Either she likes the real me and wants to keep hanging around me or she doesn't...and I won't hear from her again...except on Sunday! :)

Wonder Woman said...

My comments don't necessarily change blog to blog, but in response to the tone of each blog. Snarky for snarky, thoughtful for thoughtful.

And sometimes when I'm "forced" to take a break from the heat of the moment with kids, it makes me come back a little less crazy. I've had a breather and can think clearer regarding my children.

Also -- it's totally weird when you find out people who never leave comments are reading your blog. I, of course do it, but it's still weird to find out. :o)

Sami said...

*reluctantly raising hand*
I am totally guilty of doing this, but I'll tell you why. I am a highly sarcastic person. The problem is, sarcasm doesn't always translate in writing so well. If I can tell from someone's blog that they share my love for a witty, facetious comment, I will leave one for their enjoyment. If I don't really "know" the person very well, I tend to shy away from leaving those types of comments. Why? Because I actually offended someone in a comment once, and got a VERY rude email in response because the person took my completely sarcastic comment and read it as offensive or insulting.
I act as much myself as I possibly can, while still filtering it for "uncertain" audiences.
Does that make sense?
I also agree with WW, about changing my tone slightly depending on the tone of the post I'm commenting on. If it's a reverent post, I will try to not taint it with my irreverence.
I sure hope that doesn't make me appear fake. I like to think I'm not fake, but I guess that's true of everyone...
:)

Jodi said...

I agree with the comments above. For me, it's kinda the same in life and on the blog - I feel like I'm constantly striving to be more kind, more positive, more uplifting - more Christlike. Does that mean I always act or feel that way? Absolutely not. Trying and succeeding are definately 2 different things!

I also don't share many aspects of my personal, and/or family struggles on my blog, not because I'm trying to portray a fake picture but because I'm a private person when it comes to certain things. I share what I'm comfortable sharing. If I put something on then go about my day worrying about what I said, I usually take it off - not because of others, but because I want to be true to myself and life is just too short to worry about a blog entry! :)

This was a great thought provoking post - thanks! And I really mean that! :)

sarajo said...

I don't know. Really. I think I'm just me. And I comment according to the type of blog that is posted. I don't see that as being different from blog to blog.

MiMi said...

I have more bad bitchy days than I show on my blog, but when I DO show that part of myself, it's real.
Although I cuss more in real life. And also, I never answer the phone all happy if I'm in a piss poor mood. LOL, I probably should.

Carrie said...

WEll, we all know that I am more real than most people can handle( case in point when I wrote about how I needed to cry last week and lost a follower. ha!) Am I vain to say that I think I am completely honest in my comments? If I don't like something I don't say I do, or agree, or sometimes I just don't comment at all for that very reason. Most of the time I write what I think, and if I can't say something nice in a comment on a blog world at all.

I'm also that woman who just yesterday had some girls who walked into my office and asked how I am doing and I replied, "pretty darn crappy!"

I like to be honest ;)

And oh ya...I totally swear sometimes;)

K Lind said...

I've been known to do it. Sometimes I try to be funny for the funny blogs.

Bethany @ Organic Enchilada said...

Um, guilty. i write different types of comments for different blogs. I think I give the level of my genuine self that I think that person can swallow, and then I move onto the next blog and a new level of true me. And yes, it does make me feel fake. I think a huge part of this is because I love who I really am, but I know I'm not the kind of person I should be. The real me is not who I should be according to my religion. That's hard. But I keep reading this quote by Neal A. Maxwell - "So many of us are kept from eventual consecration because we mistakenly think that somehow by letting our will be swallowed up in the will of God, we lose our individuality... He is only asking us to lose the old self in order to find the new self. It is not a question of losing one's identity, but of finding his true identity!"
I struggle with that because I'm not ready to want my true identity. Consequently, I feel almost constant guilt about who I am right now.
Geez, this is getting deep.

OK, horror story. One day I was ripping into one of my kids, or maybe two of them, I don't remember. Anyway, I was super ticked and cuss words were flying, (shame), and a few seconds after it was done and over, my R.S. Pres. called. Her name was Adeline, and she was alphabetically the first person in my cell phone's phone book. She asked if I was ok, and if everything was alright. I was confused and didn't know why she would wonder such a thing. I told her everything was fine. We hung up, and then I thought to check my call records. Sure enough, my youngest had been playing with my phone and called Adeline in the middle of my horrible rant. She heard the whole thing.
Oh, my hell. It still makes me sweat to think about it.
This is the longest blog comment I've ever left. SO sorry!

Lisa said...

Amen to all of the above. 'sigh'

{leah} said...

I try to be true, but I'm more careful about how I comment on posts that I don't know the blogger. I don't want those people to think I'm totally sycho....

But with bloggers that I know, I'm a little more candid... a little more myself.

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