No More Porn for Me

In a fit of familial improvement, I canceled our Dish satellite service a couple of weeks ago even though we still had a several months left on our contract. It was a little painful the first day or two, but life went on and I haven't felt a morsel of regret yet for cutting off the media mayhem. But I would be fibbing if I told you I still didn't miss watching TV sometimes.

It's Food Network that I miss the most. Even if I have no intention of going near my kitchen much less trying to recreate the recipes I see, I love me some Food Network.

It's porn for dieters. Delicious, entertaining, mouth-watering porn.

I knew I had a problem. I just couldn't get enough of the Food Network. But when it comes to Food Network sometimes its the cooks, chefs, and TV personalities that leave a bad taste in my mouth. Not the food.

Giada.


Too perfect. Too...perky. I ask you, how can she be that skinny? She makes pasta with sauces and cheeses for crying out loud. And for heaven's sake, can the smile lady! My eyes hurt from its blazing rays.

Bobby Flay.


Brilliant. But cranky. He needs to take a hint from Giada. Smile once in awhile, buddy.

Paula Deen.


If I have to hear "ya'all" one more time I'm going to dip myself in the vat of boiling grease she uses so often. Though, the woman does know how to put a stick of butter to use.

Sandra Lee.


I hear AA is nice. She can't seem to do a single show without an accompanying beverage. Who knew alcohol could be served with breakfast?

Pat and Gina Neely.


A husband and wife duo who somehow manage to make "porn for dieters" feel almost like real porn. Get a room, you two.

Anne Burrell.


I like her recipes, but I can hardly pay attention to her cooking as I am so darn distracted by her incessant and obnoxious hand gestures. It's even more riveting when she's wielding a knife or two in those hands.

Guy Fieri and Anne Burrell.


They probably share DNA. And hair products.

Ina Garten of Barefoot Contessa.


Now here's a lady I can relate to. The woman is "fluffy". This makes me think she actually eats the things she makes. What's that saying about never trust a skinny cook? Exactly.

I've done myself a double favor in cutting off my porn Food Network TV.

I used to watch Iron Chef right before going to bed.


Then I would lay in bed unable to sleep from all the anxiety I had collected from the show. Once I did fall asleep I had restless nightmares of being trapped in a kitchen prison with a huge red-digit clock ticking away, counting down to my certain doom:

A death match with Anne Burrell and her knifed hand gestures.

Or being impaled on Guy Fieri's bleached hair spikes. Or burned at the stake by Giada's gruesome grin.

Or rendered unconcious and lifeless from the stench of Mario Batali's crocs.



All hideous ways to go.

I was kind of hoping if I were going to suffer a food-related death, it would be because I had drowned in a pool of chocolate.

Happy 90210 Day

(So as not to break my little blogging streak I've got going here, I am totally going to fake like this was posted yesterday and you better too or you won't be allowed to read my blog anymore. Got it? Good.)


I just heard that yesterday today is 90210 Day.

September 2, 2010 ---> 9.02.10 ---> 90210

I have never seen an episode of 90210 myself. But I listened to several while sitting in my first apartment when I was 18 years old. I had three roommates who were obsessed. They monopolized the TV with 90210 marathons. Instead of joining in, I sat in my room rolling my eyes at how absurd they were. Did they even remember there was life going on outside of our apartment in a different zip code???

Eleven years later, present day, I kind of get it. I don't usually watch much TV, but lately, I've been a little caught up in watching this little obscure series from episode one.

Equally as pathetic as my roommates of yesteryear. Oh trust me. I'm ashamed my attention has been diverted so. I know I have a problem. I am just not willing to drop it until I reach the end. Since I started at episode one, it's like that whole having to read a book or watch a movie from beginning to end thing. There is no choice. It MUST be done.

Even still...

You know you've been watching too much Grey's Anatomy when:

*you've decided between McDreamy and McSteamy

*you take your son to the doctor and he frets that they are going to "cut me open and pull out my insides"

*your husband asks how your day was and the only human interactions you can think of are ones wearing blue scrubs.

*no one in your family has clean underwear

*popcorn sounds like a great lunch

*you get the hiccups, but fight the urge to run screaming to the local ER because you feel certain your aorta is about to tear away from the pericardial wall.

Come on. Admit it. You've been hooked on some TV series before. Maybe it was Lost or MASH, but something swept you away from the dishes and laundry and real life for a period of time. Just fess up. At least it will make me feel better.

Happy 90210 Day to my roommates out there!

When do I admit I am a Gleek?

Lots of packing to do, gotta make this quick, but I wanted to see if anyone else had goosebumps upon goosebumps and got a little more than a little teary-eyed watching this last night?



No? Umm...yeah...me neither. he...he...

Lady Gaga VS. Michelle Duggar

Sunday night I watched a touching Mother's Day episode of 19 Kids and Counting.

If you don't know what 19 Kids and Counting is, it's a television program on TLC that documents the Duggar family. Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar have 19 children, all from the same mom and the same dad. The newest member of the family, Josie, was born three months prematurely, but after spending four months in the NICU, was able to come home which this special Mother's Day episode documented. It was emotionally-stirring to recount their difficult past four months and to re-watch the family worry, pray, and come even closer together for their mom and wife and new, teeny-tiny sister and daughter.

I have zero aspirations to have half as many as children as Michelle Duggar has, but I do admire this sweet family, their dedication to their beliefs (even though they differ from mine), and the love and fun they share as one big happy family. All the children are well-behaved, kind, courteous, helpful, talented, loving, and happy. It is remarkable that such a large family runs so smoothly and does so much. I believe a large portion of that can be contributed to the amazing Michelle Duggar, a mother among mothers.

So, are you wondering what any of this has to do with Lady Gaga yet? I'm getting to that.

The next morning, after watching this tender program, I turned on the radio to listen to while I washed dishes. I wasn't paying very close attention to the morning radio deejays, until I heard them talking about this special episode of 19 Kids and Counting I had just watched.

Only...they weren't talking about how special it was.

They were ripping Michelle Duggar apart for having the gall to have 19 kids in the first place. Then they misquoted her saying she still wanted more kids. I've heard this statement before that they read only chunks of and they totally distorted what she had said. Of course then the conversation turned to how could she even think such a thing when they had such a sick baby on their hands and what if everyone started having 19 kids, this world would be a mess. They accused Michelle of wanting more children just to perpetuate their stardom and TLC's interest in their family.

As the radio deejays ranted on and on about how pathetic and irresponsible the Duggars were, I found myself hardly able to wash my dishes. I was furious!

First of all they had misconstrued several things this family had done and said. Secondly, the Duggar family has it more together than millions of other families out there that have rotten, spoiled, brats for children. All the children are happy and helpful. The Duggars are self-sustaining, completely avoiding debt and welfare. Can very many other families no matter what the size honestly claim the same?

Thirdly, I was livid hearing all this slander about Michelle Duggar when not ten minutes earlier this same radio deejay (who was female by the way) had practically sung the praises of Lady GagMe...Oh excuse me! I mean Lady Gaga. She gushed and oozed about how amazing and inspirational Lady Gaga is.

Lady Gaga! Inspirational?! Seriously?! A recording artist that pushes the boundaries so far, there really are no more boundaries. Boundaries for morals, values, modesty, even just normalcy. As I tried to find a picture of Lady Gaga for this post I could hardly find one that didn't involve open crotch shots, breasts hanging out of "clothes", or orgy scenes. So THIS is who we want to be inspired by? This is who we want our daughters to pattern their lives after? This person, in all her vulgarity and crassness, is who we find so artistic, forward-thinking, and worthy of our praise, affection, money, and pedestals?

But not Michelle Duggar? No way! Not a woman who actually thinks motherhood and family and religion is important. Not a kind, sweet, gentle woman who dresses modestly, speaks softly and wisely, and gives everything she has to being the best mother she can be. No. That's just old-fashioned and irresponsible. How could she be so selfish and out of control to overpopulate the earth with respectful and loving children? The audacity of some women!

Is any one else angered by this??? I was totally yelling at my radio when I heard the contrast in regard for these two very different women. After a bit I realized how futile that was and just turned the dang radio off. As angry as I was, I had to laugh (a rather bitter laugh) that this radio rant took place the very day after Mother's Day, the day we love and praise our society's greatest assets: Mothers.

This world is a scary place, my friends. Scary place indeed.

P.S. If it came to a physical match, I have my money on Mrs. Duggar. She could totally take Gaga. Hello! She has been through labor and delivery 19 times! And she wouldn't have the silly costumes and ridiculous high heels to get in her way. Mama Duggar FTW!