Oh my sad little blog. I just don't have the time to devote to it anymore. There are just SO MANY THINGS that demand my attention and time. I feel like my life is just speeding up and most days I'm hanging on, doing the bare essentials, hoping for the best, and still expecting it to slow down somehow, sometime.
Will that happen when I'm 70???
I've been doing a lot of soul searching lately. I'm wondering...Is it okay to be just hanging on and doing the bare essentials and hoping for the best? Is that what everyone else my age and in my situation (stay at home mom of multiple young children) is doing? Should I even care what anyone else is doing or not doing?
As painful as it is to realize, I am entering a new phase of my life. I'm closing the chapter on babies. Off and on for the past several months my arms have been absolutely aching for another baby. And not just a baby, but one that looks like my other babies, that grew in my own belly. I long for that flutter in my stomach; that wonderful, terrible, life changing experience of child birth; for just one more shot to finally do a natural child birth on MY time schedule and no one else's.
I have been praying to see if another baby is the answer to my aching.
It's not.
My answer came quite clearly in a moment. I had been thinking about what I would name my next baby, when suddenly my thoughts switched to the seasons and how sad I was that summer was ending and fall was beginning. Sad that I hadn't squeezed in everything I wanted to. Sad for missed opportunities. Sad, but happy for the many memories that were made. Hopeful for the joys of a new season.
And the thought came to me that no matter how hard we try to do everything we want to do in a season, we just won't get it all done. That doesn't meant that fall is any less fun than summer. It's just time to move on, ready or not.
And then I realized that was my answer.
We had a wonderful time bringing babies into this world, but that season is ending and it's time to move on to the next season: raising those babies. It's painful and sad to see this season end, but there is much hope and excitement as a new season begins. No use fighting it. Time marches on and a new season comes, ready or not.
So here we are in this new season and I'm left floundering a bit. What do I do now? Where do I go from here? What does Heavenly Father have in store for me?
I know I want to help others, but is that to help others in my own little environment, in my home and family? Do I focus all my energy on being the best mother I can be and giving my four children everything I possibly can?
Or am I meant to inspire and motivate and help others through health and fitness? Or writing??
Or do I go back to school and pursue the nursing degree I left unfinished to nurture my babies?
Or is there something else that I can't see that I'm supposed to be doing?
I keep thinking of this quote: "The greatest work we will ever do will be within the walls of our home.” (David O. McKay) And I know, that for me, being a present and engaged nurturer is my number one priority. All else is moot. It doesn't matter how great a writer I am or how many pounds I lose or how many degrees, awards, prizes, checks I earn. If I fail as a mother, I fail completely. I can promise you I won't parent perfectly, but I'll sure give it my best shot.
But I realize that I am more than a mother. Or a wife. Someday my little baby birds are going to fly and leave this nest and this mama bird will enter a new season. And I need something to carry me into the next season.
I'm still not sure what my purpose is at this time. I'll continue my soul searching. But I do think it was NO coincidence that I stumbled upon this this morning while pondering these things and that it touched my heart in a way that only music can.
It was the perfect reminder that no matter what I do I want to stay close to my Father in Heaven and His plan and will for me. For I know that if I do, that is when I will be the most happy and fulfilled.
Sigh. Such are the rather intimate thoughts of my heart these days... And yes they are intimate and maybe best left to my own heart and head, but maybe I just want to know that I'm not the only one feeling this way in this stage of life.
